So, I guess, for this one some background information may be necessary.
It is important to know that I work on the phone for a living. I talk to people, complete strangers, and ask them for money. The first time I was exposed to this type of work I was 19 years old. I excelled at the job, but like most 19 year old's I wasn't quite practiced at being an adult. Since then I haven't learned a whole hell of a lot about adulthood, but I have picked up a thing or two about the job.
For the last 4 years I've worked in a call center of some sort. Currently I work for a company that I won't be naming, but I make fundraising phone calls. I really do find my job to be rewarding, but it's also a great trial. This is one topic you'll read about fairly often, mostly because some of the people on the other end of the phone are, to put it lightly, bat shit fucking nuts. Some of the weirdest shit comes out of these peoples mouths.
But today, I want to discuss answering machines...I feel as if there needs to be a general rule about them. Or multiple. Or maybe just four.
1. For the love of all things holy--do NOT put your children on the answering machine.
Don't get me wrong, I love children. I'm Aunty to the world, but I sometimes want to actually understand the message I'm trying to listen to. Kids are cute, however, they are not your or anyone's secretaries. There's at least one reason for that.
Think of all the times your child looks at you and says something, in gibberish, that you can't even begin to understand? Now why in the world would you think those who are childless would understand it!?!? I still need a translator for a niece or nephew I have that is under 3!
Also- those little 'Mickey Mouse' voices that are so high and precious...when yelling into a tiny microphone and then blown into my eardrum become sort of a bother. It's so loud...I swear...it's torture.
2. Don't sing. Just do not do that. If you're singing on your answering machine it's because it's the only way you can force people to listen to you. I'll bet you my left tit that a person who is singing on their answering machines gets 50% less messages because people can't hold out until the end.
3. Don't introduce your pets on the phone. I know you love all 19 of your cats but there are reasons this type of answering machine intro is a bad idea:
A- Least likely result, you'll lose a date. Though, if you're introducing your 19 cats that ship has most likely sailed.
B- People like me, know how to use your crazy against you. You, my friend are simply giving me ammo.
C- Do you really want to be that person? I know it's wrong, but people naturally judge others...so do you really want to make that type of impression right off the bat? I think not.
4. Your answering machine, believe it or not, is not a platform for saving my soul. There is a time and place to minister and while I'm trying to sucker money of you is not it. No amount of one line Bible verses at the end of your answering machine will really help me...I'm a bit too far gone at this point.
In addition- what if I DID want to discuss your religion. Not super helpful to start that conversation off one sided...honestly, that's just a little rude.
I know it may sound...cranky...to demand so much from people and their answering machines, but you only have to hear it every once in a while. I have to here it all day...every day. This is how psychotic breaks happen...
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